POST WAR

 Humanity survived its doom. More than the virus I feared we would kill each other locked inside the house. Or our insecurities and loneliness would have. We survived that, save all the souls that the virus claimed or the ones sacrificed in its wake . I survived.

Pat my back for keeping the boat sailing. The waters were smoother after, not smooth but conquerable and conquer I did, whatever fate allowed me to. Here I am, victory after victory, tired and weary. I'm tired of the victories, they have been few, they will always be few. I'm tired of standing guard. I see my soldiers drink themselves to sleep, dance around the fire. The day is over, the battle has been won, its time to be merry before the sun brings us the next. I am weary. I cannot partake, the guilt of not standing guard and the damage we took is burnt into my skin. The pain is etched in my mind like a dull pink that refuses to do anything but remind me that even on the brightest day, it was barely enough of a life. I sit near my soldiers pretending that I'm vigilant to their merries, but it isn't my party. It is penance. I fight, as penance of not having fought when I needed to. How then, a victory is anything that has any semblance of a win. It is a not defeat.

Even now, the guilt is making me stop. Muzzling my thoughts, I'm breaking character admitting defeat, but I will break character for as long as I can before I have to be grateful again. It is only you and I, future me. Or maybe our guardian angel is reading this from behind our shoulders. I am tired, body, mind and soul. All the meaningless, reasonless pushing, just because, just out of guilt. My world falls apart if I dont.
I wont have money to practice gratitude. My head hurts, my body hurts, my clothes dont fit. Gravity has a different hold on me today, I cant raise my lips into a smile. The gods have stopped speaking to me, I missed the equinox, I feel abandoned, not one direction I can look at, close my eyes and breathe knowing that I am not alone.The angst has my cheeks hurting, the lump in my throat is terrible. I know suicide won't change anything, I'll die feeling the same. 

I am dreading my fate too, just more of this, more than my shoulders can take. Give or take I'm at the half of my life, but the rest of it seems too long when I couple with this formula of vigilance. I am afraid to let go and not worry about consequences. Your body doesnt move because of carbohydrates, it moves out of love. A thousand chains I feel on every step. Mayybe that love has dissappeared, only that guilt remains. I fear that part of me that I loved, has no place in my story of survival. I have forgotten it completely. I cannot recollect how I used to look at concrete and be so hopeful and now I cant even bear looking at the sunset because I fear it'll look empty to me.

I can't doctor my life anymore. My soul has rolled over. Here I am, a husk. Abandoned by hope, abandoned by god, abandoned by magic. Only this remains, melancholy

Final Horizon

Its here I feel. My suicide note. Hold on the empathy button for a second there, please fight all the instincts that internet has given you. I know you have a lovely imagination and the burning question of how I'm thinking of doing it. I'd jump off the roof, some last little thrill on the way out. I wish I really wish this was that note. Whats the point of leaving a note? Thats some spiritual narcissism right there. At this point you're a little more concerned, I cant deny it to you. A real suicide isn't far off either, but what this note is about will sadden you more. Its not about the death of a man, its the death of spirit.

Possibly every checklist about depression I can tick off this moment. I've spent years memorizing all of them. A demon in my head feeding all this crap about myself, we're not cordial anymore. I have kept her aside many times. Its what happens then is what this is about. I've failed to find joy in life. Thats true. It were all lies about joy I was telling myself to keep the boat afloat. Itsn't working. You know how your heart swells up, I tried to force that physical feeling, gilch. I'm constantly tired because I'm constantly trying to outdo that demon. Its exhausting. I've had so many heroes helping me jump from one rock to another and keep going. I'm tired now.

I used to be big believer in the magic of the universe. I wish i was saying this out of heartburn, but lately I've felt truly truly alone. Its like the universe kicked me out of the bus and I sit on the pavement watch everything move on. My body is broken and I'm constantly in pain. My mind feels so heavy that i pat myself on the back if i fold all my clothes in one go. I'm not supposed to feel like this though, right? Its not the pain that made me want to give up, its the nothingness. I don't know what it is that took the ability to love something away from me, but if you want to find my murderer that would be it. I don't want anything truly. I don't want money, I need it, but I dont really want it. I don't want to be inspiring because I don't know who it is I'd be inspiring. The people in my life, I can't imagine them dying, but the thought of them isnt reason enough to make me stay anymore. I don't know where I took a wrong turn in life but I now know that I did. I love the fact that I was such a romantic about life, but romantics have to pay the price in misery. I feel like fate is here, and its gravity is overpowering everything in me. I am only fighting because my gut tells me to. Thats all. I am going on over there because my gut tells me thats what I should do. Its been losing the battle lately. We're backed into a corner, my consegliere and I. We're not sad though, atleast we'll end knowing that we fought till the end. We were holding hands in the end like best friends. We didn't make it far but we were fierce. We created some magnificence on the way. Its not enough, but we didn't fight for nothing. We were loud too, and giants and intent.

Sadly we can't win a war. Like the boys from fury. OGM is our tank. It will always represent the best of us. A brief but real proof that we cared without fear. We had courage to love. We went into enemy territory and even when we recieved no reinforcements we held up the battle out of sheer will. A  coin doesn't always fall in the same face though. Not all brave stories have great ends, I'm not even saying a tragic end, its the kind where you cease. One moment you're at full mast and the next moment is just a journey of depletion. The  final horizon is a slow oblivion. Its a stormy night here tonight. Iron and wine seemed a befitting soundtrack. I always loved ships, the wooden piratey ones. My best friend, the part of me I was in love with and the version of me who always bet on miracles, both  are on the helm, sipping a Kingfisher Ultra looking at the sun setting and our eventual moment of end. When I started writing this I felt I had no gratitude to give, turns out I do. Thank you life for giving my atleast a chance.

Clouds

It is a matter of perspective is it not?

We go through life trying to find what fits what best. Car interiors to the color, bedsheets to the drapes, shoes with the outfit. I've even seen people fret over what notebook suits their personality. Its the terms of conduct in today's constant scrutiny environment. Irony remains in the fact that it is mostly us who are judging ourselves more than others do. I find it fascinating how you'd rather crucify yourself in your eyes before you let anyone else do it. The japanese concept of "Harakiri" is similar in psychology but oh! oh that was about honor. This is about self preservation.

It must have started from the first human meeting fire. Good wholesome warmth from a distance, but like moths to a flame we must have drawn near to find out what happens when you get too close.
Unlike moths we survived that experience to remember better. Or in certain cases learnt from watching others fuck up. Its been eons since then and that survival instinct has developed into a cancer. We try to protect ourselves not from such mortal things like people laughing at us, being underestimated. We talk lower, dance only when drunk, barely look up the sky without a camera in our hands. It is fear, it has become primal now. I envy people who live oblivious to such things because for me these are my walk buddies. These fears have crippled my soul.

Alan Watts deeply implies the importance of noticing the way the world works. Clouds he says, made of flesh. Things just happen all around us don't they, they just happen. The sky just happens to look blue and twice a day its orange, there's no color theory there, its just how it is. It is my feeling that we as humans have not evolved at all, on a primal level. Bright days still incite the same feelings they did eons ago. The sound of rain still puts our heart to rest. So to conclude this, we are a part of this cog where "things just happen". We should too. Just happen. Unashamed, fearless.

Anxiety robs us of that bracket of risk taking that we are born with. With anxiety and depression , its really hard to be yourself, not as a definitive statement to give to the society and our invisible audience, but to just happen. That is the goal though, to realise that we are not crippled, nor incomplete, its just the way we are and for that to be enough.

Luckily we have the night skies, always there, always to remind us that they remain unchanged since the day you were born and still as beautiful. Luckily we also have music

Knock Knock

Do we really experience magic around us?

Is it a physical feeling? Or is your mind playing games with you?

Its whatever you choose it to be actually. We create our own realities. I have lately come to believe in it a lot more. Who's right? The one who moves with gods in his heart or that one guy who is the kindest amongst his peers but is an atheist, who among them two got it right? I say both. It all ultimately boils down to this "whatever gets you through the day". Neither of them is the villain.

But there is a villain, it is doubt. Initially maybe a part of our survival instinct it creeps into evolving into the mighty EndBoss. For the longest time I kept thinking it was Knowledge that was the opposite of magic, but it was always doubt. Because you see knowledge only validates magic much more, it enforces it even strongly. It is doubt that destroys any chance of its existence. Doubt and fear.

I am at a crossroad in life right now where I have a lot of burden from myself, my shoulders are heavy, my pace slow almost like dragging myself through life to get to this crossroad. Truth is there is no crossroad, it my doubt. I have been battered with thoughts of having to choose between a career and love. No reason, no one gave me that ultimatum, it is what I have scared myself into believing.

As the moment of writing this , something is happening, its not a bias, it is real. I am choosing courage over fear. I believe right now, that the universe is going to give me everything. Love, happiness , the joy of  creating, the ability to inspire and the oppurtunity to do both, money, pride to my mother, friends, Success and a way to see the world. We just made a deal a final one, I'll never stop believing that I dont deserve any of this, we are shaking hands on it and  it will manifest itself.
I lost what I lost but it wasn't my only shot at anything, they were all pracitice runs, for the real thing. From this moment I look forward to the real things. After all life is beautiful and there's ever no doubt about it. 

The second coming

The sea kills all the tranquility that you carry on your shoulders, never fails to . It is not because the sea is  peaceful, it is anything but. You feel quiet with its waves, not because they are quiet themselves, on the contrary it is because they are loud. Its louder than all the tiny little voices inside you. Its like the sun is sitting at the other end of the piano and playing the most beautiful song in the world, just for you. It’s the storm that gives you peace. We all love the sun’s warmth, but it is nothing close to the embrace of a blanket in a cold winter night. Peace does not create peace. The peace we are all looking for, comes from Chaos.

It’s the second time I saw you since that fateful day at the farm. I took the lesson of the Calm water.  This time it was the fury. Life in death and death in life. Those are the two sides of the coin. I still don’t know what I’m supposed to make of it, I’m afraid the answer will come to me, before I even frame the question and I will miss it. It is never like the fictions, is it? Well we will have to do our version of. It was that balance when I was standing on my toes trying to keep on breathing, yet by body was unafraid of what might happen to it, my conscious was. It was hard to accept that feeling. And that’s when I saw you, after the waves parted. I was inspired from him, and I was seeking you in the skies when the entire while you have been in front my eyes.  I was just not deep enough. I did not feel like he did nothing miraculous, but that was definitely not a feeling my veins are used to. God, Angels, Universe, I don’t know which one I have been talking to, but thanks for answering.

HOPE

The fault of humanity is that even though we live in a very mundane world, with the same routine of almost every person there is, our thirst for passion never runs short. They say that pandora's box was filled with the reasons of human misery, and the last thing that came out of it was "Hope". We walk on the soil but we almost always want to be in the sky. Wings or no wings we always want to fly. Human heart is the epicenter of hope they say, I undestand that sometimes this is what we need to stay human, but in our mere existence our limitless dreams kill our soul, soil it and corrupt it.

I've tried to understand people, that is my passion. I wanted to understand so that i can sympathise or maybe even help them be better. There was a time when no one did that to me, so it became life's purpose to ease life to others. Compassion became my superpower. And with that I kept pushing myself to the limits. Where I stand now is a long way from home. I look back and I realise that I left my heart a long time back. A moment of flash did occur to me and showed me a mirror. In trying to save everybody else, I've pushed myself to an abyss. Standing at the edge of the cliff, I desperately try to claw whatever is left of me and all I find is Rage. It is the only emotion left in me. I dont feel anything anymore. That statement is as true as it can be. I feel like a ghost, nothing touches me, not even death. Like a dying man's last actions, I tried everything in my power to get back to that young kid, who used to cry, who was moved by almost everything. I always believed that god always tests us and I thought that was my test. Not to be weak. Not get hurt, not cry.

But now I realise how wrong I was. The test was not to live through pain, the test was to live through the pain being myself. I failed, and it has cost me. Yes I'm not a person who is weak, i can handle myself and almost anything that life throws at me, but I've left behind the most important thing I was supposed to hold on to. Hope.

I'd not say I'm broken or fallen. My condition is like the victor prince who won the battle, but standing in the battlefield which is as much filled with enemies as friends. I wish I could change everything and be the person who suffered as much as he felt. But he had hope, he could see the beauty in the simplest things. Now stands a person who conquered all his fears, weaknesses, but is not human anymore. I would never understand what destiny had in store for me or has. My choices are all that led me here, and that is sort of all i have now. I know I'm going to fall into that hole and never come back. I've never stepped back, in sorrow, in pain, in darkness and in defeat I've learnt to keep moving. One foot infront of the other, that is all I am now.

If there is one thing I pray to god for, is to take away whatever is left of it. Take all that anger out of me, make me a ghost proper. So i dont feel anything, not even this. Life's not been easy, I've learnt that it'll never be and I've made my peace with that.

Now I dont want hope either. If I dont get the choice of what to have, then atleast I want to have the power to let things go. I want to kill the part of me that hopes.

The Song Remains The Same

I've seen times change. There are good times, then comes bad n it gets worse and then comes a time when you cant take it anymore. And then come the good times again. This is what life is made of. Its a pudding with all these ingredients put in at a perfect timing. Unfortunately, sometimes we don't see the bigger picture and run after these small things and sometimes we're stupid enough not to notice the wonderful things that are around us when we keep running at what seems far ahead. But its all a part of growing up. The things that have happened in a past few days have made me question myself, made me stand and evaluate what I've been n done. But then I realise its always been so. I've always been astounded by what life made me see. I've been doing it ever since I started walking.

The first time I caught a ball in a cricket match,

the first time I became the best student in my school,

the first time I had a girlfriend,

the first time I lied at home to go out with friends,

the first time I celebrated my birthday at a restuarant,

the first time I celebrated my birthday with Beer,

the first time I helped someone get his girl,

the first time I went to a rock concert,

the first time I took a good picture and surprised myself,

the first time I broke my heart,

the first time I got into a fight with friends,

the first time I failed in an exam,

the first time I got caught smoking.

There always have been such times that I felt my life cannot go anywhere good, times when I've thought of quitting my life. But hanging on is the best skilled I've gathered in all my years of existence. I hung on, without knowing what to do. And then, without any notice came in some of the best days of my life. It sucked then, but now when I think of it, without the tragedy, my life would be meaningless. As is said in a movie I cant remember "The bad things always show you the good things you weren't paying any attention to." True to the word it is.

If I've got anything out of the miseries in life, its strength. Falling down isn't as bad, cuz u stand up sometime or the other and when you do, you start enjoying the warm sunrays which used to hurt you before. You realise the sun has always been the same, its you who had grown bad.

I'm not old enough to know everything. A lot has happened, a hell of a lot. But I guess I haven't learned all my lessons yet. Life still has some books for me to read. I may not be ready for any of it yet, but thats the trick I guess. I've still got a lot of falls to make, so I can rise higher yet. Years have passed, have grown a lot but I'm still not done with. I'm still the confused person, not knowing what to do or where to go. Yes the places have changed, so have the people, a lot older a lot stronger, but the song remains the same.