Its here I feel. My suicide note. Hold on the empathy button for a second there, please fight all the instincts that internet has given you. I know you have a lovely imagination and the burning question of how I'm thinking of doing it. I'd jump off the roof, some last little thrill on the way out. I wish I really wish this was that note. Whats the point of leaving a note? Thats some spiritual narcissism right there. At this point you're a little more concerned, I cant deny it to you. A real suicide isn't far off either, but what this note is about will sadden you more. Its not about the death of a man, its the death of spirit.
Possibly every checklist about depression I can tick off this moment. I've spent years memorizing all of them. A demon in my head feeding all this crap about myself, we're not cordial anymore. I have kept her aside many times. Its what happens then is what this is about. I've failed to find joy in life. Thats true. It were all lies about joy I was telling myself to keep the boat afloat. Itsn't working. You know how your heart swells up, I tried to force that physical feeling, gilch. I'm constantly tired because I'm constantly trying to outdo that demon. Its exhausting. I've had so many heroes helping me jump from one rock to another and keep going. I'm tired now.
I used to be big believer in the magic of the universe. I wish i was saying this out of heartburn, but lately I've felt truly truly alone. Its like the universe kicked me out of the bus and I sit on the pavement watch everything move on. My body is broken and I'm constantly in pain. My mind feels so heavy that i pat myself on the back if i fold all my clothes in one go. I'm not supposed to feel like this though, right? Its not the pain that made me want to give up, its the nothingness. I don't know what it is that took the ability to love something away from me, but if you want to find my murderer that would be it. I don't want anything truly. I don't want money, I need it, but I dont really want it. I don't want to be inspiring because I don't know who it is I'd be inspiring. The people in my life, I can't imagine them dying, but the thought of them isnt reason enough to make me stay anymore. I don't know where I took a wrong turn in life but I now know that I did. I love the fact that I was such a romantic about life, but romantics have to pay the price in misery. I feel like fate is here, and its gravity is overpowering everything in me. I am only fighting because my gut tells me to. Thats all. I am going on over there because my gut tells me thats what I should do. Its been losing the battle lately. We're backed into a corner, my consegliere and I. We're not sad though, atleast we'll end knowing that we fought till the end. We were holding hands in the end like best friends. We didn't make it far but we were fierce. We created some magnificence on the way. Its not enough, but we didn't fight for nothing. We were loud too, and giants and intent.
Sadly we can't win a war. Like the boys from fury. OGM is our tank. It will always represent the best of us. A brief but real proof that we cared without fear. We had courage to love. We went into enemy territory and even when we recieved no reinforcements we held up the battle out of sheer will. A coin doesn't always fall in the same face though. Not all brave stories have great ends, I'm not even saying a tragic end, its the kind where you cease. One moment you're at full mast and the next moment is just a journey of depletion. The final horizon is a slow oblivion. Its a stormy night here tonight. Iron and wine seemed a befitting soundtrack. I always loved ships, the wooden piratey ones. My best friend, the part of me I was in love with and the version of me who always bet on miracles, both are on the helm, sipping a Kingfisher Ultra looking at the sun setting and our eventual moment of end. When I started writing this I felt I had no gratitude to give, turns out I do. Thank you life for giving my atleast a chance.
Possibly every checklist about depression I can tick off this moment. I've spent years memorizing all of them. A demon in my head feeding all this crap about myself, we're not cordial anymore. I have kept her aside many times. Its what happens then is what this is about. I've failed to find joy in life. Thats true. It were all lies about joy I was telling myself to keep the boat afloat. Itsn't working. You know how your heart swells up, I tried to force that physical feeling, gilch. I'm constantly tired because I'm constantly trying to outdo that demon. Its exhausting. I've had so many heroes helping me jump from one rock to another and keep going. I'm tired now.
I used to be big believer in the magic of the universe. I wish i was saying this out of heartburn, but lately I've felt truly truly alone. Its like the universe kicked me out of the bus and I sit on the pavement watch everything move on. My body is broken and I'm constantly in pain. My mind feels so heavy that i pat myself on the back if i fold all my clothes in one go. I'm not supposed to feel like this though, right? Its not the pain that made me want to give up, its the nothingness. I don't know what it is that took the ability to love something away from me, but if you want to find my murderer that would be it. I don't want anything truly. I don't want money, I need it, but I dont really want it. I don't want to be inspiring because I don't know who it is I'd be inspiring. The people in my life, I can't imagine them dying, but the thought of them isnt reason enough to make me stay anymore. I don't know where I took a wrong turn in life but I now know that I did. I love the fact that I was such a romantic about life, but romantics have to pay the price in misery. I feel like fate is here, and its gravity is overpowering everything in me. I am only fighting because my gut tells me to. Thats all. I am going on over there because my gut tells me thats what I should do. Its been losing the battle lately. We're backed into a corner, my consegliere and I. We're not sad though, atleast we'll end knowing that we fought till the end. We were holding hands in the end like best friends. We didn't make it far but we were fierce. We created some magnificence on the way. Its not enough, but we didn't fight for nothing. We were loud too, and giants and intent.
Sadly we can't win a war. Like the boys from fury. OGM is our tank. It will always represent the best of us. A brief but real proof that we cared without fear. We had courage to love. We went into enemy territory and even when we recieved no reinforcements we held up the battle out of sheer will. A coin doesn't always fall in the same face though. Not all brave stories have great ends, I'm not even saying a tragic end, its the kind where you cease. One moment you're at full mast and the next moment is just a journey of depletion. The final horizon is a slow oblivion. Its a stormy night here tonight. Iron and wine seemed a befitting soundtrack. I always loved ships, the wooden piratey ones. My best friend, the part of me I was in love with and the version of me who always bet on miracles, both are on the helm, sipping a Kingfisher Ultra looking at the sun setting and our eventual moment of end. When I started writing this I felt I had no gratitude to give, turns out I do. Thank you life for giving my atleast a chance.
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