Clouds

It is a matter of perspective is it not?

We go through life trying to find what fits what best. Car interiors to the color, bedsheets to the drapes, shoes with the outfit. I've even seen people fret over what notebook suits their personality. Its the terms of conduct in today's constant scrutiny environment. Irony remains in the fact that it is mostly us who are judging ourselves more than others do. I find it fascinating how you'd rather crucify yourself in your eyes before you let anyone else do it. The japanese concept of "Harakiri" is similar in psychology but oh! oh that was about honor. This is about self preservation.

It must have started from the first human meeting fire. Good wholesome warmth from a distance, but like moths to a flame we must have drawn near to find out what happens when you get too close.
Unlike moths we survived that experience to remember better. Or in certain cases learnt from watching others fuck up. Its been eons since then and that survival instinct has developed into a cancer. We try to protect ourselves not from such mortal things like people laughing at us, being underestimated. We talk lower, dance only when drunk, barely look up the sky without a camera in our hands. It is fear, it has become primal now. I envy people who live oblivious to such things because for me these are my walk buddies. These fears have crippled my soul.

Alan Watts deeply implies the importance of noticing the way the world works. Clouds he says, made of flesh. Things just happen all around us don't they, they just happen. The sky just happens to look blue and twice a day its orange, there's no color theory there, its just how it is. It is my feeling that we as humans have not evolved at all, on a primal level. Bright days still incite the same feelings they did eons ago. The sound of rain still puts our heart to rest. So to conclude this, we are a part of this cog where "things just happen". We should too. Just happen. Unashamed, fearless.

Anxiety robs us of that bracket of risk taking that we are born with. With anxiety and depression , its really hard to be yourself, not as a definitive statement to give to the society and our invisible audience, but to just happen. That is the goal though, to realise that we are not crippled, nor incomplete, its just the way we are and for that to be enough.

Luckily we have the night skies, always there, always to remind us that they remain unchanged since the day you were born and still as beautiful. Luckily we also have music

Knock Knock

Do we really experience magic around us?

Is it a physical feeling? Or is your mind playing games with you?

Its whatever you choose it to be actually. We create our own realities. I have lately come to believe in it a lot more. Who's right? The one who moves with gods in his heart or that one guy who is the kindest amongst his peers but is an atheist, who among them two got it right? I say both. It all ultimately boils down to this "whatever gets you through the day". Neither of them is the villain.

But there is a villain, it is doubt. Initially maybe a part of our survival instinct it creeps into evolving into the mighty EndBoss. For the longest time I kept thinking it was Knowledge that was the opposite of magic, but it was always doubt. Because you see knowledge only validates magic much more, it enforces it even strongly. It is doubt that destroys any chance of its existence. Doubt and fear.

I am at a crossroad in life right now where I have a lot of burden from myself, my shoulders are heavy, my pace slow almost like dragging myself through life to get to this crossroad. Truth is there is no crossroad, it my doubt. I have been battered with thoughts of having to choose between a career and love. No reason, no one gave me that ultimatum, it is what I have scared myself into believing.

As the moment of writing this , something is happening, its not a bias, it is real. I am choosing courage over fear. I believe right now, that the universe is going to give me everything. Love, happiness , the joy of  creating, the ability to inspire and the oppurtunity to do both, money, pride to my mother, friends, Success and a way to see the world. We just made a deal a final one, I'll never stop believing that I dont deserve any of this, we are shaking hands on it and  it will manifest itself.
I lost what I lost but it wasn't my only shot at anything, they were all pracitice runs, for the real thing. From this moment I look forward to the real things. After all life is beautiful and there's ever no doubt about it.